News Flash: Bureau of Land Management Reports Record Fundraising Levels

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
07/14/2020 at 16:25 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline

Over the past two months, the US Department of the Interior’s Bureau of Land Management division (BLM) has reported consecutive record-breaking fundraising months. Despite a lack of any concerted efforts to spread the word about the agency’s mission to protect and allocate public lands across the Western US, citizens from all over the world have used sites like GoFundMe and CrowdRise to shower the department with the equivalent of its entire annual budget in just the past six weeks alone.

William Pendley, totally outdoors for real

BLM Deputy Director Bill Pendley has been completely caught off guard by the deluge of private donation. “Historically, over 99% of our funds have come directly from the Federal Government,” Pendley explains. “It’s heartening to see how many Americans have suddenly taken an interest in land stewardship and appropriate allocations of our natural resources.”

With an average donation of just $37, Pendley is thrilled at the widespread, grass-roots approach that the donations have taken. “With accompanying messages like ‘Defund the Police,’ donors are clearly implying that more funds should be directed toward [The Department of the] Interior. We can also assure users like @ACAP_69 that his $20 contribution stating ‘F the Pigs’ will be used to fence in the herds of wild boars roaming through parts of West Texas.”

“We will F the heck out of those pigs!” he restated for emphasis.

A BLM ranger explains how rocks are used, and where to meet if the group gets separated.

The BLM can trace its roots back to the early 19 th century, when its mission was to manage the newly acquired lands from the Louisiana Purchase and the later annexation of Texas and further Westward expansion by settlers in the new American nation.

“This new windfall of funds will really help the BLM achieve its mission. But ultimately it’s only because of the foresight of our original leaders that you can now pay $20 per day to visit land that we totally peaceably and legally acquired from the millions of sickly alcoholics who had been living there before, assuming some mining company doesn’t want the land more,” Mr. Pendley concluded, adding, “What a time to be a part of the BLM!”

DISCUSSION (12)

Just Jeepin' > Ash78, voting early and often
07/14/2020 at 16:39

I have to admit, it took way too much scratching my head to finally figure this one out.

Ash78, voting early and often > Just Jeepin'
07/14/2020 at 16:46

I remember reading a recent article (Lifehacker, maybe ) about how few people actually research charities before making their slacktivist donations . Seemed appropriate.

DipodomysDeserti > Ash78, voting early and often
07/14/2020 at 16:52

When I was handing put water last month during protests, I had BLM written on a whiteboard next to the cooler. A guy unaffiliated with the protests came up and asked for water. After taking a bottle he looks and me and says, “that’s pretty cool that the Bureau of Land Management is handing out water, homes.”

To his credit, I was around the corner from the BLM regional headquarters .

Future next gen S2000 owner > Ash78, voting early and often
07/14/2020 at 17:06

Everyone knows that BLM is the C oast G uard of the Interior. Psht. Slackers over there. Couldn’t even protect a burned out shack from some morons in Oregon.

Speed > Ash78, voting early and often
07/14/2020 at 20:28

His second “quote” about the pigs had me laughing and thinking, “This guy’s hilarious! I like him.” The second had me all, “Dafuq!?” That’s when I knew. Damn you! Well played.

ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com > DipodomysDeserti
07/14/2020 at 21:01

I regularly interact with the Las Cruces BLM office at work . Lately the abbreviation causes me to do a double take from time-to-time.

DipodomysDeserti > ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com
07/14/2020 at 21:41

I used to do a lot of printing for the BLM and my brother worked for them for a bit, so it took me a while to get used to Black Lives Matter using the acronym.

Montana2020 > Speed
07/15/2020 at 02:42

There is nothing to like here. This man is dangerous and systematically destroying our Public Lands.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Ash78, voting early and often
07/15/2020 at 09:40

I didn’t notice the author and got to here before I started scratching my head

With accompanying messages like ‘Defund the Police,’ donors are clearly implying that more funds should be directed toward [The Department of the] Interior

Then read the next line and thought, “God damn it Ash”.

Good work as usual.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Ash78, voting early and often
07/15/2020 at 14:38

Standing joke in the Idaho-Montana-Utah region is that BLM stands for:

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

PatBateman > Ash78, voting early and often
07/15/2020 at 16:54

You magnificent basterd.

This is good Kinja.

TheBlightOfGrey > Future next gen S2000 owner
07/15/2020 at 23:11

FYI the Malheur Refuge is hardly a burned out shack. It’s quite nice. Thanks to the idiots who took it over the refuge got way more money than normal to restore the buildings including one that had been disused for years that the Bundys chose to use as a toilet. That building is now run by a NGO as a gift shop raising money for the refuge. But yes. Bureau of Land Management is run by idiots.